Ring Around the Rosie: Ashes

There is something so pagan about Ash Wednesday. You let another person smear dirt all over your face (well, in my case, my nose was looking pretty smudgy by the end of it). I'm always mystified by Catholic behavior but as I walked back to my pew and looked at my fellow parishioners staring straight ahead with big fat smudges on their foreheads I wondered what could be going on in their heads.

I think I know what we're supposed to think. We're supposed to be penitent, to feel badly about all the bad things we've done and to be very, very sorry. Guilt, forgiveness. And maybe there's some sadness and regret thrown in there too. Father told us to rend our hearts and cast off the things in our lives that separate us from God. Like TV or video games. Yes, and we should probably give up lusting after people, alcohol consumption, and cussing like sailors. Because those things separate us from God.

So that's easy, right? Feel sorry for yourself (Heaven knows I'm exceptionally skilled at that practice), worry about how you've committed all these sins, and doubt that you'll ever be forgiven for being such a wretched human being. And then you're done. Of course you should try to do better, but who has time for that? I'm so busy feeling bad, I can't waste my time concentrating on doing better, because I know I can't possibly live up to what's expected of me.

At this point my knees kind of hurt from the kneeler thingie on the pew so I lean back and chill a little bit. I used to be really good at this feeling sorry thing. Well, better than I am. I used to fixate and obsess over things I'd said and done, and man it's lucky nobody gave me a leather strap, 'cause I'd make such a fantastic flagellant.

But I can't do it anymore. I lose steam nowadays, I don't get very far in my wallowing. It's all Eckhart Tolle's fault, too.

Here is what I am "giving up" for Lent. I am giving up drama. I am giving up my ego. And you won't find me flogging through the daffodils because all that sorrow, all that repentance is a really great way for me to feed my ego and play out my melodrama (meanwhile, God's wondering when I'll get over myself).

The ashes remind me to not take anything too seriously, because none of it is really important. Feeling bad and fasting and giving up chocolate is oh so dramatic, and way too serious for me. I think it kind of begs the question. You want to fast? Try letting go of your inhibitions, try not taking things personally, try rendering those things which you hold most dear (your work, your self-image) irrelevant. Now there's a fast.

I think that's what Jesus wanted out of the idea that you should pray in secret. He wanted us to discipline our minds and separate from the ego, from the drama.